I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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