I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
