I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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