ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
