apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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