you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
