The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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