so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
