I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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