This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
