I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize