My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
