Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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