those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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