this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
