Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
They left me at home... I'm a liability
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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