Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
