I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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