So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize