Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize