I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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