Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
