The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
