So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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