i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
