Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
