Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
