As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
