There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
