dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
