I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I love you.
Bad choice
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
