I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
