it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize