i already hear my dad disowning me
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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