Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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