Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize