So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
