Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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