she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
