when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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