"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
