I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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