im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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