why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
