wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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