true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
