He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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