You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
