FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
