So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
