you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
