my mouth tastes like poor choices
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We need to get me chipped asap
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
