I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
