She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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