There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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