Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
as a side note pls kill me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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