Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize