enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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