i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize