do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
