it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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