I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
