I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
