I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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