I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
